Love, Anjuli

I found this on a super old blog and didn't want to lose it.  I don't even know what questions were being answered, but I could guess....

leonie:

1. you have such perfect hands!

2. song- so many- but for some reason lots of RnB songs remind me of you.

3. lets have a Mojito sometime?

4. memory- setting up our pretty christmas tree when we lived on newport street.

5. again- i've known you FOREVER!

6. maybe- Eva Longoria- you are both beautiful, mysterious, and sophisticated.

7. when will you find mr. right?
Answer: 4 years...

8-9-08

Different

So, it's done. I'm married. That is ridiculously crazy. What it even more crazy is I actually feel different. I didn't think I would, but I do. How? Why? I'm not sure. Today we walked on the beach, early in the morning (yes, that alone is different, but I think that is the age and occupation) and I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. Part of me is scared of change (see previous blogs). I'm pretty well set in my ways (strong-willed some might call it) and different is scary. But, I'm also patient and calm... (perhaps even reasonable) most of the time. During this whole wedding process I only had one major meltdown and two mini meltdowns...not bad for planning everything in two months! Thanks Mom for dealing with my major meltdown over-wait for it-my need to have a list (I didn't have a to do list and I didn't know what to put on my to do list and I had a meltdown over it...I know...I'm bit type A). Oh, and my guest book. For some reason, I had in my head a particular book, and nothing was right. She spent hours driving around hunting for my book, buying books, only to have me nix them and return them. Where did I find it? Etsy, Australia. Sorry, Mom. But times are different. I planned my entire wedding on Pinterest and Etsy. What did people do before Pinterest? They drove around buying multiple guest books... It took a months, years. I don't know how people do this planning thing indefinitely. Well, I do actually see how they could do it, but no wonder there is the term bridezilla. The stress level is insane! It's been a crazy two months, but it's over and I enjoyed all of it (ok, most of it). Because now, we are past the "fiancé"-don't know why, but I disliked that word...and on the to "husband and wife" So that is way different too. I hear you get used to it, but that may take me a bit of adjustment time. I know that it won't be an easy road all the time. I'm still fighting an inner battle over the name change thing. And, I know it's different, I feel it. But, it's a good different. It's a different I look forward to. I might even get around to actually writing my new name. Leonie Maneevone Barton. But, the first step...a new title for the blog.

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Roadtrip

I asked Dan the other night about the road trip we have coming up in a few weeks and if we could plan things out soon. He looked at me like I was crazy. [It's a road trip, you just drive until you get there and leave in time to get home]. No, you see, I have to know in my head when we are going to be in each place and for how long. Why? Because it makes me feel settled and secure. I like to know what is happening, when, where, etc. I always ask him what our plans are for the weekend. He always says, let's just see where the weekend takes us. I cringe inside, because in my head I have to figure out the cars and who is driving and where we will park....it goes on. And, I will ask the same thing again next weekend, and he will reply the same thing...again. [On a side note: if you have ever been with any members of my family when we try to figure out cars, it is somewhat hilarious. We throw out options about who will drive which car where, with who and leave out pertinent inforamtion we all (of course) just know, so a bystander is left with a "wait, what just happened" vacant look as we pick up our bags and head out.] When I don't know what it going on, it leaves me with a void inside. I realize all you spontaneous people out there are just reading this thinking, she is nuts. Who wants to be tied down to anything in a week, let alone an hour? Me. I hate being spontaneous. I am not good at it. I like my days, weeks, months planned. My students will attest to the fact the I have a calendar of the year's assignments posted with due dates and test dates usually 3 months ahead (and sometime completed for the year). I am organized. I have a place for everything. I could find a receipt for something I bought 2 years ago, or even, in some cases, papers I wrote in college (yes, on paper). I rarely lose things (except my new nano...sad). [My students hate this, because the "you lost it excuse" really doesn't fly]. In fact, I have never had insurance on any of my phones because I have never lost or broken one. I utilize my ical app religiously. Everything syncs to everything. Any aspect of my life that I can control, I do. It is hard for me to let things go. You can see where this is leading. I cannot control everything, and when I can't it really throws off my sense of security. Current things I cannot control things range from...the future... to when Dan will show up to pick me up for dinner (I mean, he IS surfing, and you cannot put a time frame on surfing). Today was especially hard for me, because I really became obsessed with the idea that I need to figure out where my life is heading, and...I can't. That's it. I don't know. My friend said last night that you never know what changes a year will bring. Yes, and no. My life really hasn't changed much in the last ten years. Every year my mom asks me to write a paragraph for the family Christmas letter. Every year I tell her, just cut and paste last year's, but change where I went on my travels. That's it. I teach the same thing, I live in the same area and in fact, bought a condo, which almost solidifies the lack of change in my imminent future. This makes me feel secure and comfortable, but also very sad. I want something different, something more. But, I want it to fit in a neat little box. I want it to meet my criteria and be a check off my list. Which list, you may ask? Oh, there are plenty. So, you see, this is a dilemma for me. How do I allow myself to go with the flow? I fight it, I do. Not necessarily the change, but the control of the change. I think sometimes it is a way to protect myself from the things could hurt me. I have lots of walls as my past blogs have mentioned...I do realize this very unrealistic, that only in the act of being vulnerable can we truly see beyond the walls we create for ourselves. I realize that only in allowing myself to see the freedom of the journey can I truly see the fun in the unplanned road trip.
Pic: Ephesus, Turkey

Certainty

I haven't written for a little while because the last post I wrote was about being alone and I could never hit post because I didn't want people to perceive me as being sad and lonely. And there my blog sat for the last few weeks. I just posted it, because I think I have come to grips with the idea a bit more (the alone, not sad and lonely). This revolved around a conversation I had with my good friend Linda this afternoon. We were talking about love and life and how we are so (I said disillusioned she said jaded). She is probably more right. We were discussing our friends, their hurts, our hurts, our models of good relationships and how more often than not, even relationships we see as great, really aren't. Being alone isn't bad; I am confident, independent, and have a lot going for me. But, it would be nice to have someone to share that with. Right now, I do; he is wonderful. Why do I feel like I still have these walls up though? To protect myself from all the hurt that comes with things not working out. The more you tear down the walls, the greater the hurt. I think that what is great about my life right now is that I don't feel "tied down" into a set path. Not "tied down" in terms of a ball and chain the way men think (Or, I believe they think). My life can still go a number of different ways. I still have so many paths to walk down. Once you "settle down" (why do all these words have negative connotations in society?) I have always thought you have more direction. You have more certainty. But do you? That is the question. I always perceived that you did, but I am beginning to think maybe you don't. You could still have financial difficulties, marital difficulties, difficulties with kids, with work. I think I have thought for a while that once I got to around to the "settling down" my life would be more certain (and it my type A brain certain is synonymous with good), but I'm thinking now that it might not be the same kind of certainty I thought it was. That scares me. I guess I just have to move forward, collecting information (I phrase I have always used to describe dating), and trying to break down my walls. On the other hand, it also makes me truly value moral character, honesty and trust that much more. Those are the qualities that will (I think and I hope) will sustain through the uncertainty. I realize that I am okay being alone and I am okay with uncertainty for now, because that is what makes life what it is (and if I can hang on to the fun and spontaneity uncertainty holds, I will breathe a lot better). What is important is having someone that is truly a good person. I have that...for now...and as far as this run of certainty takes us.

Pic: Linda and I in Cambodia...uncertainty+travel=amazing

Alone

When you type alone into google, the first thing that comes up is "Alone", the song by Heart. This is not necessarily the best pick me up. "I hear the ticking of the clock I'm lying here the room's pitch dark". Yippie. The next entry is "Alone" by Edgar Allen Poe. I read the poem a few times, thinking it may be profound and I could somehow use it in the blog, but on to the next entry, a wikiHow on "How to Enjoy being Alone". I thought it quite amusing; my favorite line was, if you are bored, you may be boring. Nice. Encouraging site. So, perhaps the bigger question is why am I doing this search? I'm bored. Just kidding. Probably something quite a bit deeper than this, but I realize that I'm not quite ready to wrap my head around it. I am fine being alone, but I am not being lonely, and sometimes I cannot separate the two.

Pic: in Ollayantantambo, Peru alone. Ok, I admit it...not all that bad :)

Que Sera Sera

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here's what she said to me.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

When we were little, my Mom actually used to sing to us. Actually, she still does. She always has a song in her heart. So does my Dad (although his tone is not quite there, his heart is all in it). When he is happy, he will sing at the top of his lungs and actually skip. Is is so fun to see them two of them when they are in a good mood, which usually involves children, act like children. But as children, and even as adults, we are so obsessed with the future. That old saying 99% of what you worry about never happens, and yet, we still do it. Or at least, I still do it. I find myself worrying more lately than I should. I worry about what the future holds. I worry about where my life is taking me. I worry about whether a meeting or a lesson will go well (well, not really, but I should). I worry more about personal stuff like life and love. But, I try not to, because I can't control it. And funny thing is, when I do try, it kind of unravels a little. When I let go, it comes together. Why must the simple be so complicated? In fact, on a side note, I considered writing about Valentine's day, but nixed that quite quickly when I realized I pretty much hate Valentine's Day. I would say that it is because I am not mushy (in general, I am not). I would say it is because I am cynical (in general, I am). I would say it is because everyone around me is all lovey dovey, which is as annoying as well...anything (cynicism rearing its ugly head again). But, honestly, it is probably because it has been a bit of a disappointment every single year, well, for as long as I can remember. So something simple like Valentine's Day, a day to celebrate love and friendship and the color red and chocolate is suddenly this big flashing "Stop light" (thanks to our ASB for this analogy-really?) of complex meanings. Because I make it that way! Yes, I do! I over analyze and pick everything apart. If you know me at all, you know I do this, and you tell me to stop. This, while making me an excellent giver of logical advice, makes my head spin about simple things like Valentine's Day and complex things like the FUTURE... But, perhaps, there is some truth in the song we all know, because sometimes the living is in the letting go.

When I was young, I fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera

What will be, will be
And.... (hit play here)

.

Bricks, Boys and Braveheart

A few years ago when I was teaching World History, I had a student that believed the Iron Curtain was a literal wall of iron between eastern and western Europe. He had such a hard time understanding how this wall could just be a figurative wall, one "built" to separate people, unless it was the Berlin wall, then it was literal. (Then again, this was the kid that could only understand concepts if I could somehow relate them to Braveheart. Problem is I don't remember much of the movie other than he was a Scottish peasant that somehow opposed the King and yelled "Freedom!" as a super significant line in the film). So....I found myself thinking about how we construct these figurative walls around ourselves over the years; we add a layer every time something hurts us, every time someone fails us or disappoints us, or we disappoint ourselves, or life just doesn't turn out the way we expect. Slowly but surely, brick by brick the walls go up, until we have this nice little fortress protecting ourselves from, well, everything. It is nice and pretty and we walk around in this little brick bubble of feelinglessness (yes, I made up that word on purpose). I would say that my wall has been built over the course of about twelve significant breakups. Yup! Count 'em twelve! This is not something I would wish on anyone. This doesn't even count the dates or little flings; these are the ones I cared about and it didn't work for some reason. I find myself rather numb to this number (this is because of the walls). Does time heal wounds? Yeah, but it still sucks, licking your wounds, twelve times over. So the point is I don't even have bricks, I have an iron curtain (so, this is where you should be thinking, is it real, or just a facade). Then the other day I was showing my class the Last Lecture by Randy Pausch a man dying of Pancreatic cancer. He talks about how the brick walls (talking about barriers to our goals) are not there to keep us out like we all think, but to see who wants it the most. I think that while boys have contributed to the building of most of my walls, I hope they can also help bring them down. Learning to open up and learning to trust are both kind of scary. And I began to realize that although my iron curtain was built to protect me, it also has become my crutch. It is all of the above. It is both real and a facade. It keeps them out and keeps me in. It is the barrier to my end goal of becoming open and real and letting down my guard, a little, just enough to let myself breathe and maybe, just maybe, "Freedom", like Braveheart.

Pic. Berlin Wall. 2010.