Roadtrip

I asked Dan the other night about the road trip we have coming up in a few weeks and if we could plan things out soon. He looked at me like I was crazy. [It's a road trip, you just drive until you get there and leave in time to get home]. No, you see, I have to know in my head when we are going to be in each place and for how long. Why? Because it makes me feel settled and secure. I like to know what is happening, when, where, etc. I always ask him what our plans are for the weekend. He always says, let's just see where the weekend takes us. I cringe inside, because in my head I have to figure out the cars and who is driving and where we will park....it goes on. And, I will ask the same thing again next weekend, and he will reply the same thing...again. [On a side note: if you have ever been with any members of my family when we try to figure out cars, it is somewhat hilarious. We throw out options about who will drive which car where, with who and leave out pertinent inforamtion we all (of course) just know, so a bystander is left with a "wait, what just happened" vacant look as we pick up our bags and head out.] When I don't know what it going on, it leaves me with a void inside. I realize all you spontaneous people out there are just reading this thinking, she is nuts. Who wants to be tied down to anything in a week, let alone an hour? Me. I hate being spontaneous. I am not good at it. I like my days, weeks, months planned. My students will attest to the fact the I have a calendar of the year's assignments posted with due dates and test dates usually 3 months ahead (and sometime completed for the year). I am organized. I have a place for everything. I could find a receipt for something I bought 2 years ago, or even, in some cases, papers I wrote in college (yes, on paper). I rarely lose things (except my new nano...sad). [My students hate this, because the "you lost it excuse" really doesn't fly]. In fact, I have never had insurance on any of my phones because I have never lost or broken one. I utilize my ical app religiously. Everything syncs to everything. Any aspect of my life that I can control, I do. It is hard for me to let things go. You can see where this is leading. I cannot control everything, and when I can't it really throws off my sense of security. Current things I cannot control things range from...the future... to when Dan will show up to pick me up for dinner (I mean, he IS surfing, and you cannot put a time frame on surfing). Today was especially hard for me, because I really became obsessed with the idea that I need to figure out where my life is heading, and...I can't. That's it. I don't know. My friend said last night that you never know what changes a year will bring. Yes, and no. My life really hasn't changed much in the last ten years. Every year my mom asks me to write a paragraph for the family Christmas letter. Every year I tell her, just cut and paste last year's, but change where I went on my travels. That's it. I teach the same thing, I live in the same area and in fact, bought a condo, which almost solidifies the lack of change in my imminent future. This makes me feel secure and comfortable, but also very sad. I want something different, something more. But, I want it to fit in a neat little box. I want it to meet my criteria and be a check off my list. Which list, you may ask? Oh, there are plenty. So, you see, this is a dilemma for me. How do I allow myself to go with the flow? I fight it, I do. Not necessarily the change, but the control of the change. I think sometimes it is a way to protect myself from the things could hurt me. I have lots of walls as my past blogs have mentioned...I do realize this very unrealistic, that only in the act of being vulnerable can we truly see beyond the walls we create for ourselves. I realize that only in allowing myself to see the freedom of the journey can I truly see the fun in the unplanned road trip.
Pic: Ephesus, Turkey