Inventory

The last day of my twenties I went for a run down on the PB boardwalk and I cried on the inside.  I went and got my belly button pierced on a whim.  I know, reckless. On my 30th birthday I went to my parents to watch the Super Bowl which happened to be in San Diego and on my 30th birthday.  All of my friends were dating people at the time so they all went with their boyfriends to Super Bowl parties.  I went to my parents.  No offense, Mom and Dad, I love you lots, but I felt so lonely and sad and kind of like a failure in life.  I began to think about all the different things that I had and that were important to me then and now. 








My inventory at 30
Student Loans
A Honda Prelude
Roommate in Mission Valley
New, overworked and possibly a little more idealistic teacher
10 gallon fish tank
Bedtime- 10:30 weeknights, 12:30 weekends
Jeans: American Eagle
Purse: Coach
Gym: all the time
Dates: all the time
Dream: hot dates and world adventures, eventually "settle down"

My inventory at 40:
Mortgage
A Toyota Matrix
Husband in La Mesa
"Seasoned" overworked teacher, but possibly more jaded
30 gallon fish tank (down sized from 100 gallons), a cat, and two dogs
Bedtime: as early as reasonably-usually 9:30 weeknights and 11:00 weekends
Jeans: Hudson, AG, Joe's
Purse: B. Markowski
Gym: when I can
Dates: "Date night"
Dream: Kids, travel, maybe both

When I was turning 30, I was pretty close to having a breakdown.  I remember sitting on the floor of the bathroom sobbing.  Why? Because I had not reached my life goals at that point in my life.  Yes, I had a good job, ALOT of education, good friends and family.  But, I did not have things checked off my list that I equated to being accomplished and happy.  It wasn't that I was sad, I just wasn't happy to the core. I took up most of my time with work and staying busy, doing, going, checking things off my lists (which I still do).  What have I learned in the last ten years as I approach the big 40?  That my life plan can be what I want it to be, not what the world says.  I control my expectations. I can only find true happiness within myself, not in others, not in meeting others expectations, not in a husband, in friends, even in family.  But true happiness comes from within; it is a state of mind that you control.  Life can throw us numerous curveballs that we cannot control, and all I can do is to control how I respond to them.  Yes, you can hear the years of counseling in that statement.  But funny thing is I actually believe it now.

Funny, when I was younger, I remember thinking my parents were ridiculous for going to bed so early, for staying home on a Saturday, for going for walks.  But now, I actually might be them.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I go to bed before them, wake up before them and love curling up on the couch and going for walks.  When I was 20, I kind of cared about not wanting to be my parents.  When I was 30,  I cared much more about what people thought about what I did.  How do I feel now? I still care, but I care about different things.  I care about enjoying my time.  I care about trying to be healthy and feel good.  I care about family.  I care about taking time to rest and just be.

I do not feel as guilty about saying no.

Today, a friend wrote me, "Enjoy the last day in your 30s!"  And, I have to admit, I had a bit of a mini-meltdown.  But, not the like the pre-30 meltdown where I was sobbing, but more like a inner gasp, "Yikes!"  Tomorrow I will spend with my most favorite people.  Birthday brunch with my girls and a nice dinner out with my family.  Tonight, Dan has a special dinner planned.  And tonight, I'm taking out my belly button ring.