Dear teenage self, wear red

I was reading a magazine this week and there it was, right in my face, Valentine's Day.  I really don't like Valentine's Day.  I hated it when I was single, and even now, I'm not sure about the obligatory Hallmark Holiday.  I always wear black.

But, I feel change coming.  This year, I'm not dreading it, and in fact, (gasp), maybe even looking forward to the obligatory dinner and flowers.  (I wrote this before Valentine's Day, but posted it after.  He brought me beautiful gerber daisies and made dinner reservations! See pictures)

What changed? Other than my martial status (which is kind of weird to check on forms), I think what is changing is my heart.

Love is patient, love is kind, love never fails...
Ok, let's be real.  These are great ideals for what love should be, but unfortunately love does fail you.  Remember that first broken heart you had? The second, the third, and maybe many more? Maybe that's why I have hate Valentine's day... So, I began thinking...what have I learned over the past years? What would I go back and tell my teenage self?

Love is not always easy, but it should not always be hard.
Love is not a knight in shining armor. Perfect and perfect for you are not the same thing.
Pay attention to the little things he does (or doesn't) do, they will reveal his true heart.
Pay attention to what he does, not what he says.
When you know it isn't right, leave, no matter how hot he is. One second chance, no more.
Love is not going to be what you expect.
Lists are not bad, they helps you focus on your priorities. But, keep it real.
Red flags are red for a reason.
Don't test him, and don't sabotage what you know is a good thing.
Don't play games.
I'm not saying don't play the dating game, but don't mess with people, it's not nice.
If they don't pay for the first date, don't go on a second.  It doesn't have to do with equality; it has to do with manners.
Have fun!  Dating is fun. Love is fun. Ok, I gagged a little while writing this, because love is fun. Dating is NOT fun.
I'm still not a believer in "soul mates" or "I met him and I just knew", but as you know, I'm not really a romantic at heart. I would say, don't give up.
What do I know for sure?
When someone loves you, you just know. If you don't, they don't.

I wish I wasn't so jaded.  I wish I hadn't spent so much time defined by my relationship status. But, it's hard with society and social life revolving around whether you have a plus one.  I wish so many people weren't saying, you seem so happy now that you're married.  I wish I had radiated that happiness before.  But, honestly, I am happier.  I am more optimistic.  I don't even think it is the status as much as the person that made the status.  He makes me a better person, a happier person.  But, just because I am me, even with a plus one, I'm still wearing black on Valentine's Day, but maybe I'll wear red accessories. (I did).

Maybe, just maybe, I'll buy a cute card and write mushy stuff in it. (I did this too.  Maybe I am changing).

Inventory

The last day of my twenties I went for a run down on the PB boardwalk and I cried on the inside.  I went and got my belly button pierced on a whim.  I know, reckless. On my 30th birthday I went to my parents to watch the Super Bowl which happened to be in San Diego and on my 30th birthday.  All of my friends were dating people at the time so they all went with their boyfriends to Super Bowl parties.  I went to my parents.  No offense, Mom and Dad, I love you lots, but I felt so lonely and sad and kind of like a failure in life.  I began to think about all the different things that I had and that were important to me then and now. 








My inventory at 30
Student Loans
A Honda Prelude
Roommate in Mission Valley
New, overworked and possibly a little more idealistic teacher
10 gallon fish tank
Bedtime- 10:30 weeknights, 12:30 weekends
Jeans: American Eagle
Purse: Coach
Gym: all the time
Dates: all the time
Dream: hot dates and world adventures, eventually "settle down"

My inventory at 40:
Mortgage
A Toyota Matrix
Husband in La Mesa
"Seasoned" overworked teacher, but possibly more jaded
30 gallon fish tank (down sized from 100 gallons), a cat, and two dogs
Bedtime: as early as reasonably-usually 9:30 weeknights and 11:00 weekends
Jeans: Hudson, AG, Joe's
Purse: B. Markowski
Gym: when I can
Dates: "Date night"
Dream: Kids, travel, maybe both

When I was turning 30, I was pretty close to having a breakdown.  I remember sitting on the floor of the bathroom sobbing.  Why? Because I had not reached my life goals at that point in my life.  Yes, I had a good job, ALOT of education, good friends and family.  But, I did not have things checked off my list that I equated to being accomplished and happy.  It wasn't that I was sad, I just wasn't happy to the core. I took up most of my time with work and staying busy, doing, going, checking things off my lists (which I still do).  What have I learned in the last ten years as I approach the big 40?  That my life plan can be what I want it to be, not what the world says.  I control my expectations. I can only find true happiness within myself, not in others, not in meeting others expectations, not in a husband, in friends, even in family.  But true happiness comes from within; it is a state of mind that you control.  Life can throw us numerous curveballs that we cannot control, and all I can do is to control how I respond to them.  Yes, you can hear the years of counseling in that statement.  But funny thing is I actually believe it now.

Funny, when I was younger, I remember thinking my parents were ridiculous for going to bed so early, for staying home on a Saturday, for going for walks.  But now, I actually might be them.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I go to bed before them, wake up before them and love curling up on the couch and going for walks.  When I was 20, I kind of cared about not wanting to be my parents.  When I was 30,  I cared much more about what people thought about what I did.  How do I feel now? I still care, but I care about different things.  I care about enjoying my time.  I care about trying to be healthy and feel good.  I care about family.  I care about taking time to rest and just be.

I do not feel as guilty about saying no.

Today, a friend wrote me, "Enjoy the last day in your 30s!"  And, I have to admit, I had a bit of a mini-meltdown.  But, not the like the pre-30 meltdown where I was sobbing, but more like a inner gasp, "Yikes!"  Tomorrow I will spend with my most favorite people.  Birthday brunch with my girls and a nice dinner out with my family.  Tonight, Dan has a special dinner planned.  And tonight, I'm taking out my belly button ring.

More

I know it is mid-January, so it's a little late for a New Year's Resolution, but I was thinking about what I would change if I could.  Other than wishing I could quit my job and travel around the world in 5 star hotels with Dan and two perfect children that always act like angels, I think I want more of the simple things.
Read more.
Write more.
Play more.
Hold hands more.
Eat dinner at the table more.
Laugh more.
Listen to more music.
See more sunsets.

And perhaps, a few things I would like to do this year....
Have a glass of Wine in Rome.
Watch the Sunset on the boat deck in Greece.
Try to surf again.
Move to a house. Rent? Own? Something with more than one bedroom, a garage, and a back yard.  Preferably a gigantic kitchen...
Plan a family vacation for summer 2014. Big Bear? Mammoth?
Take Dan to one U.S. city for a three day weekend.  Perhaps New Orleans? Boston?
Take Dan to Thailand or Australia.
Baby?
All of these are doable. Well, some more than others, and many are dependent on the last thing on the list, which I am least able to control.
So, one addition to my "more" list.
Pray more.

Teflon. Tantrums. Nuts.

So, our first fight was about Teflon. I know, a little ridiculous. But, not at the time it wasn't. Isn't that how it is with most fights?  Errr....disagreements?  So, a little background...if you don't know Dan, he likes to eat healthy. He made me a garden for the balcony and plants me yummy herbs, tomatoes and lettuce so we know what is in our food. He is very insistent on washing everything numerous times to get off the pesticides and he recycles...everything. He hates waste and cares so much about the environment and the world around us that I truly feel bad. I don't always buy organic. I throw away plastic forks and spoons, and I don't always bring my own bags to the grocery store. In fact, if I forget them in the car, I rarely go out and get them and I even let the baggers use plastics bags. Dan has made me so much more aware, and I appreciate that about him...most of the time. On this particular night, though, I didn't. And he didn't appreciate that I didn't.  I was making these, might I say, amazing chocolate pistachio lava cakes. While Dan eats healthy most of the time, he has this weakness for chocolate, and sweets, and chips and salsa, and well, now I've got him hooked on cheese and crackers too. And, not velveeta. So, I decide to make him this chocolate yummy dessert and well, honestly, it was probably more for me. But, there I was making pistachio butter and melting chocolate when he walks over and gasps. Ok, maybe that is my rendition. But, in my world, he gasps and says something like,"How could you stir the Teflon pan with a metal utensil! You're going to leach the Teflon into our food and we're gong to die!" It was probably more like, "Hon, could you not use metal on that pan? You know it hurts the non-stick coating." Thing is, he had mentioned it before, but I'm kind of a newbie to this awareness of earth and chemicals in our environment thing, and I forgot.  So, I get all upset because, well, I get a little defensive when I am called out.  He gets all upset because, well, he cares about our health, and I don't like admitting that he is right...sometimes.  So, I, with a great flourish, dump the batter in trash can (to be sure we don't get any toxins) and hide in the bathroom to take a shower, my way of getting a space/throw a tantrum.  I came out to Dan sitting on the couch shelling pistachio nuts with chocolate melting on the stove.  I sat down next to him and picked up a nut too.  We sat and talked, cracking the shells off far more pistachios then we really needed.  We talked about our future, how we wanted to be around for each other for a long time, and family.  Even though disagreements are never fun and are often trivial in retrospect, it is how you resolve them that tells you what someone is really made of.  For Christmas, our stockings were full of coated utensils and our kitchen containers are full of pistachios.  Perhaps it is time for more lava cakes?