I haven't written for a little while because the last post I wrote was about being alone and I could never hit post because I didn't want people to perceive me as being sad and lonely. And there my blog sat for the last few weeks. I just posted it, because I think I have come to grips with the idea a bit more (the alone, not sad and lonely). This revolved around a conversation I had with my good friend Linda this afternoon. We were talking about love and life and how we are so (I said disillusioned she said jaded). She is probably more right. We were discussing our friends, their hurts, our hurts, our models of good relationships and how more often than not, even relationships we see as great, really aren't. Being alone isn't bad; I am confident, independent, and have a lot going for me. But, it would be nice to have someone to share that with. Right now, I do; he is wonderful. Why do I feel like I still have these walls up though? To protect myself from all the hurt that comes with things not working out. The more you tear down the walls, the greater the hurt. I think that what is great about my life right now is that I don't feel "tied down" into a set path. Not "tied down" in terms of a ball and chain the way men think (Or, I believe they think). My life can still go a number of different ways. I still have so many paths to walk down. Once you "settle down" (why do all these words have negative connotations in society?) I have always thought you have more direction. You have more certainty. But do you? That is the question. I always perceived that you did, but I am beginning to think maybe you don't. You could still have financial difficulties, marital difficulties, difficulties with kids, with work. I think I have thought for a while that once I got to around to the "settling down" my life would be more certain (and it my type A brain certain is synonymous with good), but I'm thinking now that it might not be the same kind of certainty I thought it was. That scares me. I guess I just have to move forward, collecting information (I phrase I have always used to describe dating), and trying to break down my walls. On the other hand, it also makes me truly value moral character, honesty and trust that much more. Those are the qualities that will (I think and I hope) will sustain through the uncertainty. I realize that I am okay being alone and I am okay with uncertainty for now, because that is what makes life what it is (and if I can hang on to the fun and spontaneity uncertainty holds, I will breathe a lot better). What is important is having someone that is truly a good person. I have that...for now...and as far as this run of certainty takes us.
Pic: Linda and I in Cambodia...uncertainty+travel=amazing
