Dear teenage self, wear red

I was reading a magazine this week and there it was, right in my face, Valentine's Day.  I really don't like Valentine's Day.  I hated it when I was single, and even now, I'm not sure about the obligatory Hallmark Holiday.  I always wear black.

But, I feel change coming.  This year, I'm not dreading it, and in fact, (gasp), maybe even looking forward to the obligatory dinner and flowers.  (I wrote this before Valentine's Day, but posted it after.  He brought me beautiful gerber daisies and made dinner reservations! See pictures)

What changed? Other than my martial status (which is kind of weird to check on forms), I think what is changing is my heart.

Love is patient, love is kind, love never fails...
Ok, let's be real.  These are great ideals for what love should be, but unfortunately love does fail you.  Remember that first broken heart you had? The second, the third, and maybe many more? Maybe that's why I have hate Valentine's day... So, I began thinking...what have I learned over the past years? What would I go back and tell my teenage self?

Love is not always easy, but it should not always be hard.
Love is not a knight in shining armor. Perfect and perfect for you are not the same thing.
Pay attention to the little things he does (or doesn't) do, they will reveal his true heart.
Pay attention to what he does, not what he says.
When you know it isn't right, leave, no matter how hot he is. One second chance, no more.
Love is not going to be what you expect.
Lists are not bad, they helps you focus on your priorities. But, keep it real.
Red flags are red for a reason.
Don't test him, and don't sabotage what you know is a good thing.
Don't play games.
I'm not saying don't play the dating game, but don't mess with people, it's not nice.
If they don't pay for the first date, don't go on a second.  It doesn't have to do with equality; it has to do with manners.
Have fun!  Dating is fun. Love is fun. Ok, I gagged a little while writing this, because love is fun. Dating is NOT fun.
I'm still not a believer in "soul mates" or "I met him and I just knew", but as you know, I'm not really a romantic at heart. I would say, don't give up.
What do I know for sure?
When someone loves you, you just know. If you don't, they don't.

I wish I wasn't so jaded.  I wish I hadn't spent so much time defined by my relationship status. But, it's hard with society and social life revolving around whether you have a plus one.  I wish so many people weren't saying, you seem so happy now that you're married.  I wish I had radiated that happiness before.  But, honestly, I am happier.  I am more optimistic.  I don't even think it is the status as much as the person that made the status.  He makes me a better person, a happier person.  But, just because I am me, even with a plus one, I'm still wearing black on Valentine's Day, but maybe I'll wear red accessories. (I did).

Maybe, just maybe, I'll buy a cute card and write mushy stuff in it. (I did this too.  Maybe I am changing).

Inventory

The last day of my twenties I went for a run down on the PB boardwalk and I cried on the inside.  I went and got my belly button pierced on a whim.  I know, reckless. On my 30th birthday I went to my parents to watch the Super Bowl which happened to be in San Diego and on my 30th birthday.  All of my friends were dating people at the time so they all went with their boyfriends to Super Bowl parties.  I went to my parents.  No offense, Mom and Dad, I love you lots, but I felt so lonely and sad and kind of like a failure in life.  I began to think about all the different things that I had and that were important to me then and now. 








My inventory at 30
Student Loans
A Honda Prelude
Roommate in Mission Valley
New, overworked and possibly a little more idealistic teacher
10 gallon fish tank
Bedtime- 10:30 weeknights, 12:30 weekends
Jeans: American Eagle
Purse: Coach
Gym: all the time
Dates: all the time
Dream: hot dates and world adventures, eventually "settle down"

My inventory at 40:
Mortgage
A Toyota Matrix
Husband in La Mesa
"Seasoned" overworked teacher, but possibly more jaded
30 gallon fish tank (down sized from 100 gallons), a cat, and two dogs
Bedtime: as early as reasonably-usually 9:30 weeknights and 11:00 weekends
Jeans: Hudson, AG, Joe's
Purse: B. Markowski
Gym: when I can
Dates: "Date night"
Dream: Kids, travel, maybe both

When I was turning 30, I was pretty close to having a breakdown.  I remember sitting on the floor of the bathroom sobbing.  Why? Because I had not reached my life goals at that point in my life.  Yes, I had a good job, ALOT of education, good friends and family.  But, I did not have things checked off my list that I equated to being accomplished and happy.  It wasn't that I was sad, I just wasn't happy to the core. I took up most of my time with work and staying busy, doing, going, checking things off my lists (which I still do).  What have I learned in the last ten years as I approach the big 40?  That my life plan can be what I want it to be, not what the world says.  I control my expectations. I can only find true happiness within myself, not in others, not in meeting others expectations, not in a husband, in friends, even in family.  But true happiness comes from within; it is a state of mind that you control.  Life can throw us numerous curveballs that we cannot control, and all I can do is to control how I respond to them.  Yes, you can hear the years of counseling in that statement.  But funny thing is I actually believe it now.

Funny, when I was younger, I remember thinking my parents were ridiculous for going to bed so early, for staying home on a Saturday, for going for walks.  But now, I actually might be them.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I go to bed before them, wake up before them and love curling up on the couch and going for walks.  When I was 20, I kind of cared about not wanting to be my parents.  When I was 30,  I cared much more about what people thought about what I did.  How do I feel now? I still care, but I care about different things.  I care about enjoying my time.  I care about trying to be healthy and feel good.  I care about family.  I care about taking time to rest and just be.

I do not feel as guilty about saying no.

Today, a friend wrote me, "Enjoy the last day in your 30s!"  And, I have to admit, I had a bit of a mini-meltdown.  But, not the like the pre-30 meltdown where I was sobbing, but more like a inner gasp, "Yikes!"  Tomorrow I will spend with my most favorite people.  Birthday brunch with my girls and a nice dinner out with my family.  Tonight, Dan has a special dinner planned.  And tonight, I'm taking out my belly button ring.

More

I know it is mid-January, so it's a little late for a New Year's Resolution, but I was thinking about what I would change if I could.  Other than wishing I could quit my job and travel around the world in 5 star hotels with Dan and two perfect children that always act like angels, I think I want more of the simple things.
Read more.
Write more.
Play more.
Hold hands more.
Eat dinner at the table more.
Laugh more.
Listen to more music.
See more sunsets.

And perhaps, a few things I would like to do this year....
Have a glass of Wine in Rome.
Watch the Sunset on the boat deck in Greece.
Try to surf again.
Move to a house. Rent? Own? Something with more than one bedroom, a garage, and a back yard.  Preferably a gigantic kitchen...
Plan a family vacation for summer 2014. Big Bear? Mammoth?
Take Dan to one U.S. city for a three day weekend.  Perhaps New Orleans? Boston?
Take Dan to Thailand or Australia.
Baby?
All of these are doable. Well, some more than others, and many are dependent on the last thing on the list, which I am least able to control.
So, one addition to my "more" list.
Pray more.

Teflon. Tantrums. Nuts.

So, our first fight was about Teflon. I know, a little ridiculous. But, not at the time it wasn't. Isn't that how it is with most fights?  Errr....disagreements?  So, a little background...if you don't know Dan, he likes to eat healthy. He made me a garden for the balcony and plants me yummy herbs, tomatoes and lettuce so we know what is in our food. He is very insistent on washing everything numerous times to get off the pesticides and he recycles...everything. He hates waste and cares so much about the environment and the world around us that I truly feel bad. I don't always buy organic. I throw away plastic forks and spoons, and I don't always bring my own bags to the grocery store. In fact, if I forget them in the car, I rarely go out and get them and I even let the baggers use plastics bags. Dan has made me so much more aware, and I appreciate that about him...most of the time. On this particular night, though, I didn't. And he didn't appreciate that I didn't.  I was making these, might I say, amazing chocolate pistachio lava cakes. While Dan eats healthy most of the time, he has this weakness for chocolate, and sweets, and chips and salsa, and well, now I've got him hooked on cheese and crackers too. And, not velveeta. So, I decide to make him this chocolate yummy dessert and well, honestly, it was probably more for me. But, there I was making pistachio butter and melting chocolate when he walks over and gasps. Ok, maybe that is my rendition. But, in my world, he gasps and says something like,"How could you stir the Teflon pan with a metal utensil! You're going to leach the Teflon into our food and we're gong to die!" It was probably more like, "Hon, could you not use metal on that pan? You know it hurts the non-stick coating." Thing is, he had mentioned it before, but I'm kind of a newbie to this awareness of earth and chemicals in our environment thing, and I forgot.  So, I get all upset because, well, I get a little defensive when I am called out.  He gets all upset because, well, he cares about our health, and I don't like admitting that he is right...sometimes.  So, I, with a great flourish, dump the batter in trash can (to be sure we don't get any toxins) and hide in the bathroom to take a shower, my way of getting a space/throw a tantrum.  I came out to Dan sitting on the couch shelling pistachio nuts with chocolate melting on the stove.  I sat down next to him and picked up a nut too.  We sat and talked, cracking the shells off far more pistachios then we really needed.  We talked about our future, how we wanted to be around for each other for a long time, and family.  Even though disagreements are never fun and are often trivial in retrospect, it is how you resolve them that tells you what someone is really made of.  For Christmas, our stockings were full of coated utensils and our kitchen containers are full of pistachios.  Perhaps it is time for more lava cakes?

US

Maui

Her Story

So, never having gone on a single date before in my life, I thought perhaps it was time to venture out and give this internet dating thing a try. Dan was the first person I ever met, and the rest is a fairytale. Ok, it didn't go exactly like this, but I believe in my heart that everything happens for a reason. I believe this is the point in our lives that we were meant to meet and the timing was right. Timing is everything. We did meet on the internet, which is a little funny considering we grew up down the street from each other...literally five minutes apart. And yet, we never met; it wasn't time. I was in the same fifth grade class as his step-sister. And yet, we never met; it wasn't time. My sister went to school with his brother. And yet, we never met; it wasn't time. I lived at the beach; he lived at the beach. And yet, we never met; it wasn't time. I tried this internet dating thing before, and yet, never met anyone with whom it clicked. It wasn't time. In fact, I was ready to give up on dating completely, but there was this one last guy I wanted to meet... this cute surfer boy. We talked and emailed and texted, but seemed to have difficulty finding...a time. In retrospect, I would argue that my ridiculous need to schedule everything was in conflict with his ridiculous need to "just see what happens". Regardless, we finally met, and it clicked. And there was a date two, a street fair that turned into a ten hour date! On date three, we went bike riding and had a picnic down by the bay. That day I sprained my finger in a railing, because I am not that good at the whole bike riding and trying to seem graceful simultaneously thing. I remember saying teasingly... you know you are stuck with me now, until this thing heals. He promised. Then, I went to the doctor and they said, this type of sprain never fully heals. I laughed when I told him he didn't know what he had promised. I feel like we were both hesitant and cautious at first. We took the time to get to know one another and it took a while to get to the point we are today. There was a lot of compromise. I've heard people say, they "just knew" from the moment they met someone. I don't know that I would say for me it was an immediate "I KNOW!", but if I had said that, it wouldn't be me. I am careful, analytical and I over think things. When people ask me what I love about Dan, I say, I love who he is, and who he is to me. I love his character. He is a good person; he has integrity. He is honest, thoughtful, kind and loves me for who I am. He is willing to call me on my (very rare) manipulative behavior and (gasp) inability to rinse out my dishes. He is willing to take responsibility and apologize when he is wrong, and forgive me when I am. He does not hold grudges. That is all I have ever wanted. I remember asking my sisters what quality they most loved about their husbands. They both said, their kind hearts, because then you know they will treat you as you deserve to be treated. I found that. Did I know on date one? No. Date two? Maybe. Date three? Hopeful. But, I do know now. I feel completely confident that the time is right.

His Story

She was serious our first date........ She let me know that she wanted to meet me soon, which, by the way, almost didn't happen on my account. This woman

with a pleasant, but serious tone to her voice surprised me when she called in the afternoon, since at this point we had yet to talk on the phone. She was headed back from L.A. and wanted to know if I could meet for a bit. Being surprised, I said let's try for another time, I'm going to jump in the water. Wondering if that was a mistake, I thought to myself, if its going work out... it will. A few days passed by and this woman is calling me again! [my perspective...it pays off to call back] 

Excited and a bit nervous, I answer and we end up on our first date.....

Fast forward two years. In my head it was six months, but she keeps telling me it is two years.

Checking spots to pop the big question on the road to Hana, heart in throat, hands sweaty, and she didn't have a clue! As we were driving I kept saying to myself, "Is this the spot? No, this doesn't feel right. We keep driving and end up going for a gorgeous hike at Waianapanapa park. As we were hiking I see a little point overlooking the ocean and knew this was it! .........The rest is history. I am truly blessed to have this woman in my life. I'm amazed at the wonderful and kind woman that she is.....selfless. She is patient and listens with an open heart. I love her and will be blessed to call her my wife.

P.S.  These are from the wedding site and just don't want to lose all of these random, important words...in digital files somewhere...

Growing up

I found this in a magazine years ago, January 2008 to be exact.  It has been on my fridge ever since.  Today we are cleaning up, and I realized it is time to trash the dingy, ratty page.  It probably applied much more 10-15 years ago, but I still like it; it expresses so well my thoughts about growing up.

You know you're a grown up when:

you're able to say no, no, no! to those adorable boots because you're saving for the trip to Paris (Australia, Thailand, etc.) you've always dreamed of.

the checker at the grocery store calls you "ma'am" and you don't plummet into a month long depression, and in fact, you smile a little...

you say, "I know Mom means well"--and you really mean it. 

waffles become your dinner of choice now and then--not because there is nothing else in the house to eat, but just because you like them.

a normally even-tempered friend flies off the handle at you, and rather than snarling back, you wonder what is actually going on with her.

your primary feeling towards Brittany (or now, Lindsay or and other ridiculous famous person) is one of pity.

you suddenly get why your father complained so much about taxes.

you feel no compulsion to adopt the current sizzling hot (and really stupid looking) fashion trend; you know that, like a mild rash, it will go away soon on it's own.

the idea of staying in is just as appealing (if not more) than going out.

you decide to learn to a) play the piano, b) learn Spanish, c) scuba dive, for no other reason that you want to.

rocking out to the radio no longer embarrasses you.  In fact, you turn it up.

you realize that Prince Charming lives in the same place as Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

you also realize that not all the "good ones" are gay or married.

--the proverb, "Life is short, but wide" starts to make sense.

Vows

remind me to breathe

There was no alarm.  I took ambien.  Yes, I admit it.  I was going to have a good night sleep and silence everything running through my mind.  It was beautiful.  It was fresh.  It was clean.  It was my wedding day.  My grandma likes to constantly remind me how looong she has been waiting for this day.  Yes, Grandma, me too.  And, I was blessed.  It was sunny... at the beach... in mid-november. I had coconut french toast, he had a veggie omelette with roasted potatoes. We sat and talked like it was a regular day and held hands across the table.  We decided to see each and, in fact, have breakfast and hang out the morning of the wedding because we needed each other's calmness and presence.  I started freaking out a little because of things I cannot even remember now.  He took my hand and said, "breathe".  We drove along the beach and almost stopped for a walk, but realized the morning was running out.  That was part of my morning agenda, how could I not walk on the beach?  "Breathe".  We still hadn't written our vows.  Oh yeah, that was something I was freaking out about.  They say you should write them well in advance and practice, practice, practice.  That didn't happen.  First, he didn't want vows.  Not because he didn't want to commit or promise me, but because it meant he would have to talk in front of an audience.  He doesn't like to do this.  I understand. "Breathe." He loves me; he agreed to do vows.  Second, once we agreed on having vows, he wanted the traditional ones.  Fine, settled.  Third, after looking over the traditional ones the day before, we agreed that we wanted something more personal.  Most of the ones we found online were pretty corny, and we laughed out loud because it wasn't "us".  So, there I was, in the Ralph's parking lot at 10am the morning of my wedding, writing vows while he shopping for soda and ice that didn't make it to the party because we forgot them in the fridge.  He said, it's ok, it will be ok, just keep it simple, "us".  Simple is good.  We will remember them later (and there is less to say in front of people).  So, here is what I wrote, in the parking lot, 5 hours before we said them, to each other, in front of our family.

You are my best friend.  Today I take you to be my husband/wife, to have and to hold from this day forward. I promise you that I will be faithful and kind. I promise to be patient and to support you to the best of my ability. I promise to laugh with you, cry with you and hold your hand through good times and bad.  I promise to keep you grounded. I will remind you breathe... I vow to cherish you, honor you and respect you. I love you.

It took him a couple of deep breaths to get through.
The part I like the best? It is the thing he does for me every day, and especially on that day.
I will remind you to breathe.